Life’s Doodles by Dani.Love

I walked by one of my bookshelves yesterday
Skimmed through to see which to read next
I found myself reaching for one I have already read
Was it that good?
Perhaps
Out of habit?
Perhaps
Whatever the case may be it had me thinking
About what you may wonder
You see.
I have a habit of holding on to the old
Beliefs
Friendships
Clothes
And choices of food, books, ect
Even when these things no longer serve me
I embrace them like they can provide a miracle
Even when these things have hurt me
I turn to them like they will ease the pain
Even when I am rejected and forgotten
I begged for my spot like it will shine a new light.

Old habits die hard they say
But these habits are killing me slowly
Day by day
Minute by minute
Breath by breath
I feel suffocated by what I’ve become accustomed to
Rejected
Mocked
Misunderstood
Taken for granted
Judged
Used
These things I’ve grown used to
I made excuses for
I wrapped my body in them like a security blanket

Fear of what’s on the other side
Loyalty
Love
Consistency
Communication
Honesty
Acceptance
Patience
Trust
New habits are sometimes hard to embrace
New territory can be scary to step into
New people start to seem questionable
Especially after you have endured what you’ve become accustomed to
But this life of mine depends on it

Approaching 30 in a few weeks
I need a new religion
Up until now I’ve just been existing
It’s about time I lived
Exhale
Embrace my birth right freedom
To be me
Openly
Boldly
Those that matter will add to the reminder
That I’m perfect as is
Even in my own darkness
They will see my light
And I will be reminded
I am infinite source of strength, love, and joy

Walked by the bookshelf today
Blindly picked up a new book
Dusted it off
The feeling was strange
The potent fear of uncertainty running through my veins
Hands trembling
It was hard to breath
I chanted to myself
“Your happiness depends on it.”
I curled up on the sofa while chanting
“Your happiness depends on it.”
I exhaled deeply
Opened the book
Slowly
To my surprise
The pages were blank
Confusion filled me
I flipped through the pages
All were perfectly blank
From the left side of my mouth
A smiled appeared as I remembered
This story is mine to create
And from this day forth, I will create it from my core
Which is love.

——–

Inspiration behind the words (outside of my recent life experiences)

“People come, people go – they’ll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past.” –Nicholas Sparks (from The Rescue)

Cause I’ve Been ‘Fraid of Changin’ by Ren Martinez

Someone told me that becoming is more human than being. Later, I understood that to be a philosophical point, debated in academic circles, but at the time I heard it as only words. I brushed them off like dust and continued down my road, only to have my feet falter and stop. Because it’s not often we’re confronted with truth and it’s more than foolish to let it pass by without a glance.

Becoming means transformation. It means evolution. To Become is to change, mutate, expand. What you once were is no longer as the process of what you will be is underway. We seem to know ourselves better, the tiny atoms that make up our bodies, the strings of carbon that knit together into bones and breath, when we don’t know ourselves at all. Only that we are midway in a journey that we can no longer stop. We know the calluses on our fingers and the doubts like pearls heavy around our necks. We know we can’t see the future of what is happening but we reach for it anyway.

Transition is our most basic state. Humans are not meant for stagnation; we become bored, restless with energy, nearly frenetic. We are at our best when we barely know ourselves at all, but are learning as each piece settles into place. And then, with a heavy sigh, everything is slotted together until we ARE. We are defined; we are known. Like the state of rest after an enzymatic change, the catalyst used up and leveling out into a measurable result.

But, we are not meant to remain here. Once we have the pieces in place, our atoms ache to scatter again, to form something new. We meet new obstacles/enemies/allies, and we shift into transition yet again, change resonating like a old song never forgotten. And I, despite the terror of the unknown, despite doubt and stress and worry, sing those words as boldly as ever.

Because, in the end, I only know who I am when I’m becoming myself.