In the beginning
It started with me trying to figure out why I am the way I am. 28 years old, never been on a date, can’t hold a steady job, never left my parents house, to scared to drive on the highway; always afraid, angry, and sad; suffering from anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation; a deep sense of discomfort with the world around me and within my own body, if I could recoil from my skin I would. Nothing positive, just all negative. Like a witches swamp dark, grey, disgusting with a strange uncomfortable heat that emanates from nowhere and an even stranger smell that is like nothing you have ever experienced. But this darkness has been my home for the last 28 years, I know nothing else.
In my mind I used to imagine a very dark room where I would sit in the corner alone, quiet, with my knees to my chest. This was my refuge, this dark and quiet place that I would resort to not just when things were tough but always and forever. It was how I felt, an imagery of my deepest emotions and wounds, it was what I knew, and what I stewed in.
I have tried to figure it out, figure out why I am like this, why I have been like this for as long as I can remember. What’s wrong with me? I have been to therapy, a few therapists in fact. A few have recommend medication, I always change provider when it comes to that point.
It is because of the way I was conditioned; I use conditioned instead of growing up or raised because that is what your formative years are, they are conditioning. Well I was conditioned to be afraid, to be timid, quiet, passive, and to placate. Where has this led me to, to feeling like a continuous doormat, even now. I can recall instances in my adulthood where I couldn’t stand up for myself and I can trace it back to being a child where I was not allowed to stand up for myself and there was no one to protect me.
There were two people who were really strong negative influences in my life, my father and my aunt. They were bullies and our relationships created a toxic environment for me. My father did not protect me from my aunt and he himself was fighting his own demons; and yet words sometimes still escape me.
Who I am now is a result of who I was conditioned to be then. Silent, quiet, unseen, unheard…preferring to be unseen and unheard because than you can’t make anyone angry; if no one notices you no one can attack you, no one can bully you. And when you do get noticed, you give away everything you have and everything you are because it is easier than having it taken away.
This is where I am now, angry, hurt…angry.