The other day, a homegirl of mine (my ex actually) was venting to me about her failed relationship with a woman she has been dating for months. I honestly don’t even remember what caused her to say what she said that sparked me to write this blog. But the end of the conversation went something like:
HER: I need to take a lesson from your handbook.
ME: What do you mean?
HER: I admire the fact that you are always single, never looking, unbothered and seem unafraid to be alone.
ME: *shrugs and thinks well that’s just me* Thank you.
HER: You seem to just be focused on you and your career.
ME: *thinks that isn’t quite true, though I am learning to focus more on myself* Welp, I tend to focus more on friendships and building strong bonds with people that will last a lifetime.
HER: I see.
ME: I guess I should take a lesson out of most people’s handbooks because so many put very little time, energy and effort into building and maintaining friendships. And many seem unbothered when they fail. Yet, most of these people would move a mountain and chop off a foot to get and keep a partner.
That was only the beginning of the conversation that ended in me really realizing that I need to choose different company. I say this because following my statement, she agreed with what I said AND admitted that she doesn’t put energy into friendships. Which sort of made me feel better because I thought perhaps I was doing something to cause her seemingly lack of interest or effort in hanging out. But once she said that, it was like an “ah huh” moment.
We went back and forth a bit and I started to feel her frustration with the conversation once I asked “Well, what makes you friends with these people whom you put no effort into?” She responded by saying “That is a philosophical question that I cannot answer right now.” I simply let it go.
I have always been this way. Never seeking romantic love or relationships. Yet, I have often searched and yearned for a group of best friends I can experience life with through traveling and sharing of experiences. That’s something I have always craved. Only recently have I chosen to put less effort into trying to force close bonds and focus more on myself. I am almost 30 and feel I have less confidence, knowledge, creativity and motivation from when I was a teenager. A lot of my energy has been on figuring out how to create these close friendships, what is wrong with me and so forth. It’s weird and it’s something I truly am working on. So my current focus is mainly myself (getting to know me better and regaining my confidence) while remaining open to great friendships.
Unfortunately, there seems to be a trend within my age group where friendship isn’t as important as having a partner. Perhaps because family and relationships have never been my ultimate goal in life, I just cant relate. In the past, when I have talked about an issue I was going through with someone to a friend, often times they would ask “Are you two dating?” When I reply no, I usually get a response like “Then why do you care?” I used to scream on the inside. With that said, I am such the opposite. When friends vent to me about their troubled relationships (especially when its often), I often ask, “Why do you stay?” Or “Why don’t you leave?” Granted, it isn’t always that simple. At the same time, is it really worth the suffering?
Now, I am at the point of my life where I am way more observant, embracing my needs/wants, asserting myself, embracing authentic me, and letting go of things and people that aren’t conducive to that life I am choosing to live. I am also putting less energy into people overall and focusing more on myself. In the past, I’ve had a habit of holding on to or trying to force myself into people’s lives who showed little interest in truly having me there. Meanwhile, I have pushed away some awesome people who were trying to be in my life and vice versa. This is all a process and I am learning and loving it. It’s sometimes crazy and emotional and confusing and scary, but at the end of the day, I know it will be worth the effort to grow through it. This journey is transforming me into the women I was meant to be with the people and experiences that were meant to be in my life. I want to be a better me so I can be a better friend and contributor to the world. Through the laughter, tears, smiles, and crazy emotions, I know I am guided and supported.
The journey continues….
With Love, Laughter, and Light,